girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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