chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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