So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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