Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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