I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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