I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Send help, water and tortillas.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
