Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
