I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
