I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
