It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
