living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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