i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
