I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
