He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Oh god it's open bar.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
