Michael Bay diarrhea
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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