I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
