I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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