i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
