Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
So squirting runs in the family.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
