I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
