do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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