I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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