i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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