My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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