I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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