Your mouth is God's brothel.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
