$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
