I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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