I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
