Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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