Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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