turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
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I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
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Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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