I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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