my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
