I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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