i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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