why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
