These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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