my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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