so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
