we have pet lesbian snakes
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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