Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
