you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
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Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
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But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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