i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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