He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
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Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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