ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
