we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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