Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
