Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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