I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
