Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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