i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
