If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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