i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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