Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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