it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
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Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
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I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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